It’s been so long since the four gorgeous men showed up in front of me. I have never expected they will show up again because they will only showed up if I don’t live my life well—and I feel I’m living my life well now.
But then again, it’s Changmin sitting on the sofa in front of me. I can’t be wrong, it’s Changmin. I recognize his new haircut, the one for his latest album, which is only slightly different from his haircut for Best Selection. And the way he stares at me… it’s the look belongs to him only.
I can’t help but furrow my brows. Why is he here? What did I do wrong? Why is he alone?
He folds his arms, keeps our eyes contact, and stays silent. Oh, he’s giving the same tense even when he’s alone—the tense I’m familiar with, the tense of interrogation.
“Annyeong.” I greet him first. “Long time no see.”
“Yeah, long time no see.” His voice is cold.
“What brings you here? Why are you alone? Where are the others?”
“Just say it; you only want to know why Jinwoon is not here.”
I gasp. “I-I—“
“I thought you said you are my fan.”
“I am, as well as I am also fan of the other three.”
“But you were my fan at the first place.” He cuts me.
“Yes.” I answer firmly.
“I am your main bias—ah, no. I was your main bias, right?”
I don’t get what his point is, but I feel bitter in his voice. “What is it about?”
“I thought you’re loyal to me no matter what.”
“I am, I anticipate your comeback very much, and you know it.”
“But I am no longer your main bias, aren’t I?”
“What made you think like that? You are still my main bias, and you will always be.”
“No, I’m not!” I start to feel agitated. “What’s wrong with you, really?”
“I should be the one asking that. What’s wrong with you that you quit being my fan and turn to Jinwoon?” he said in a breath.
I furrow. “I have always been a fan of you four, you, Shiwon, Key, and Jinwoon. There was never been a problem with that before and you four visited me, don’t you remember?”
“That time you didn’t see Jinwoon the way you see him now. I was still your main bias back then.”
“And you are still now.” I convince him desperately.
“No, I’m not. I can’t get it, really,” he unfolds his arms, “you say you will always keep the faith, along with those tons of our fans. But look at you. I don’t mind and I support you turn to other bands when we’re on hiatus. I let you be the others’ fan as well. But being your main bias… now that I’ve grown to be a much more handsome one, why do you shove me away?”
I sigh. “That’s it.” I inhale. “Now you’re very good-looking, tons of girls want you head over heel, while they didn’t even see you back then.”
This time it’s him furrowing. “I don’t get what you mean.”
“You know that compared to the other four in your band, your own fans were #5. But now after the whole things happened and you transformed into a more gorgeous man, your own fans are #2.”
“Well, that’s good. That means there are lots of people love me. You should be happy for me.”
“I am. But I can’t stand hearing those people claiming you are theirs.”
“You are childish.”
“Whatever. I’m not used to hear ‘Oh, my Changmin is so hot!’, ‘Ah, Minnie is very sexy!’. I used to be your only fan every time I met other K-Pop listeners.”
He remains silent.
“So when I met her, hearing her talking about you, claiming you… and the fact she knows more about you… it irritates me. It makes me like a loser. You know how much I hate losing. Liking you suddenly doesn’t feel fun anymore. I feel burdened.” I bit my lip.
He still doesn’t say a word.
“And there’s Jinwoon, who is in the same state as you were.” I exhale. “And I can feel the fun liking him as I felt when I liked you… that carefree feeling I missed…”
His look is hurt. I can feel it.
“However, you are always special for me… You’re my first.”
His gaze softens. “Guess I can’t do anything about being your main bias, then…”
“You are still my main bias, why can’t you believe it? It’s just I’m not showing my liking to you in the same way as before…”
He smiles bitterly. “I see. But I’m still used to your old way.”
I feel the room brightens. I sense he’s leaving anytime soon.
“You are still my passwords to my accounts.”
“Except your daehaksaeng account.”
“Yeah.” I grin. “I used you too but then I had to renew it so I have to use other’s name.”
“And it’s Jinwoon’s.”
I nod weakly.
“I got to go.” He stands up.
I stand up and walk toward him. “You are stunning, you know that?”
He chuckles. “I know.”
“So, are you still mad at me? You still think I’m disloyal to you?”
“Well…” he pauses, “promise me you’ll write more fics with me as the main character and I’ll forgive you. You wrote too much about Jinwoon.” He ruffles my hair.
I chuckle. “Okay.”
“Send my greeting to the others.”
He hugs me. His hands and his body are cold. I wonder what he has been doing that he is that cold. His coldness transfers to my body.
“I love you.” He whispers. And with that, he vanishes.
I shiver. The cold air from the air conditioner feels too cold. I open my eyes and stare at sofa in front of me.
Goodbye my love, love, love
Take care my love, love, love
Even if the tears filling up, soak my whole body
Now goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
Leave me and please be happy
One step, one step, you’re going farther away
Again, I forget to turn off my iPod.
* the part in italic is translation of FT Island's Love Love Love, taken from www.jpopasia.com/lyrics/39107/ft-island/love-love-love.html